


Never Let This Go

by carpe_cullen



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Dubious Consent, Eventual Fluff, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-30 18:15:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3946777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpe_cullen/pseuds/carpe_cullen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Valoria Lavellan tells Cullen she would rather be friends with him out of the blue, right when he was about to confess his feelings for her and then leaves for two weeks. He's been thinking and suffering, needing answers and when she returns late at night, he intends to get them. </p>
<p>For a DA Kink Meme fill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

“ _I should have said something before...I hope I'm not too late._ ”  
  


It's been almost a month since Valoria Lavellan had told him this. Not only did this seem to come from nowhere, but she waited until he practically confessed that he loved her. Cullen's hand clenched the paperwork he tried so hard – but failed – to focus on as he recalled that moment. He felt a lump form in his throat, just as one formed that night. He didn't understand what had caused her to change her mind so quickly. He remembered all of the moments she stole him from work just so she could taste his lips, the way she would glance over to him during the war councils while Leliana and Josephine were occupied, and how she had supported him with his battle against lyrium.  
  
 _Lyrium_.  
  
Cullen took a sharp breath with the thought of that blue liquid. He placed the report on his desk and his body slumped back into his chair. His eyes squeezed shut as the dull pounding of an oncoming headache became present. A tingling sensation crawled down his spine and his hands began to tremble. He released a groan from his lips as he tried to block out the incessant need for the drug. At first, he thought that getting sleep would help, but the nightmares had become worse over the past month and real sleep was becoming a rare occurrence in his life. He hadn't realized how much Valoria had been helping. Of course, there was no direct cure for his addiction, but her feelings for him – or so he thought – had been enough for him to push through the pain.  
  
 _Valoria._  
  
The memory of her tugged the corner of his mouth into a slight smile. _Her dark red hair was always in a braid, pulled around to lay against her chest so she could reach to nervously thumb the ends. Her vallaslin branched across her forehead – closely resembled the color of her hair, which was a striking contrast against her pale skin. The trembling in his hands became less intense as he pictured cupping her cheek, her soft skin caressing his calloused palm. He brought his other hand up so his fingers could trace down her ear – from the pointed tip down to her earlobe. She loved having her ears touched. He had touched it by accident the first time and was surprised to receive such a positive response to his mistake. Then he pictured her eyes. Her emerald eyes had bewitched him from when they first met. They always showed what she was feeling, they betrayed her when she tried to hide her emotions – which she often tried. The tension in his eyes eased as his eyes locked with hers and his smile grew when he saw how they lit with happiness. He pictured inching closer to her lips, pressing a kiss to the soft skin and capturing her bottom lip and lightly sucking._ As the kiss broke, his eyes met hers again, but there was no light. There was a small pool of sadness that gathered and everything rushed back to him.  
  
“ _I'd rather we were friends_.”  
  
His eyes opened and his smile disappeared. He clenched his jaw and pushed himself from the chair, knocking it over onto the stone floor. Just as he remembered the reality of his situation, all the tension flooded back into his body. His muscles in his arms and shoulders pulsed with an anger that was new to him. She had tricked him, teased him, nearly tortured him with her games. And he was a fool. Not only for falling for her, but for still loving her, even when she had made it clear that she did not feel the same. But, Maker, that didn't keep his heart at bay. He wanted her – no, needed her. He needed to show her what he felt. Even when he tried telling her, he gave her a way out because of his own second-guessing. There was only one other woman that held his affections before all of this, but he didn't say – or do anything. Not only because he was a Templar and she a Mage, but because he wasn't sure of what she wanted.  
  
 _What about what I want?_  
  
Cullen was tired of second-guessing. He was tired of waiting. He quickly fastened his boots and pulled open the center door leading out of his quarters. The cold air bit at his exposed skin as he was only in his linen shirt and pants. He pushed himself outside but paused when he reached the middle of the bridge that connected his and Solas' quarters.

_She's still out in the Hinterlands. Andraste's tits._

  
He rolled his eyes as he leaned against the stone. She took Blackwall, Varric, and Dorian to “tie up loose ends” the day after she had broken things off. His body sagged as he began to lose confidence in his decision and he gazed up at the moon.  
  
 _Perhaps I should sleep_.  
  
Cullen ran his hand through his hair and sighed. As he turned to return to his quarters, he saw movement near the gate in the corner of his eye. He leaned over to get a closer look and his pulse quickened as he saw that familiar red hair shine in the moonlight.  
  
 _Valoria_.

  
  
He stood there, frozen. His eyes locked onto her figure as she climbed the staircase leading to the upper courtyard. Seeing her again, even from this distance, made his heart beat faster and his palms sweat. She reached the top of the stairs and turned her body to the stairs on her left. Cullen's ragged breathing came to a halt as he realized she was contemplating going to his quarters. Her head tilted over her shoulder, looking towards the tower. What was really a few seconds, felt like minutes. His hands gripped the stone beneath them as he waited for her, to see what she would choose. But then her head swung to hang against her chest and she turned to retreat to her quarters. His breath released more shakily than he intended and tears formed in his eyes. He still followed her as she made her way into the main hall. She paused again at the top of the stone staircase and looked in his direction. The moonlight flooded her, her pale skin becoming almost as bright at the moon itself. Her eyes searched through the night – for something – but stilled when she finally noticed Cullen. His breath had stopped once more and his heart was pounding harder than it should. Her hands quickly pulled the hood of her cloak over her head and ran into the main hall.

_Fuck. I'm fucked. I'm completely, utterly fucked. How am I supposed to do this when I can barely breathe when she looks at me?_

  
He pushed himself away from the stone and went back into his quarters. The door slammed behind him and he began to pace between the bookcase and his desk. His heart had a glimmer of hope as she looked toward the tower and when she noticed him, but was instantly shattered when she turned away both times. His hands balled into fists and hit the desk, causing some papers to fall onto the floor. Anger pooled into his muscles as memories of her came to mind.  
  
“ _I need to borrow you._ ”  
  
The memory of her lustful voice made his cock twitch. He pictured her lips, pressing hard against his; their tongues rubbing together; her fingers tangling themselves in his curls. Cullen groaned as his growing member began to strain against the linen. His mind showed him running his hands over her slender figure, his hands cupping her ass and pressing her closer. He could even hear the moan she released but with that noise she broke away from him.

“ _I'd rather we were friends._ ”

  
His jaw clenched and he pounded his fists against the desk, knocking more papers to the floor. He glanced down to his pants and his arousal was trying to make its presence known. For a moment, he thought of unlacing them, wrapping his hand around his cock and pumping until his release took over.  
  
 _No. It has to be her. It needs to be her_.  
  
His determination – whether driven by lust or anger, he couldn't tell – pushed him through the door leading to the battlements. He took wide, hurried strides, barely able to control himself as he carved a path to Valoria's chambers. Within a moment he stood in front of her door in the main hall. He stared at the handle, reached for it, then pulled back. This pattern repeated itself so many times over the next few minutes that he lost count. He cleared his throat, gripped the handle and pushed the door open. He quietly closed the door behind him, walked across the wooden platform to the door that led to her bedroom. Without hesitation, he opened the door.  
  
“Hello? Wh-who's there?” Valoria called out. Her voice made him pause only for a moment and then marched up the stairs.  
  
“Cullen,” she said as soon as he came into view. He gazed over to her and noticed that she was in her nightclothes, though, not the hideous outfit Josephine provided. It was a simple linen shirt that fell just above her knee. He swallowed hard as he saw the fabric cling to her small body, parts of the shirt damp with water.  
  
 _Maker's breath, she just bathed_.  
  
“Valoria” he said, attempting to sound as cold as possible. He failed to notice her reaction though, he was distracted from the sight of her nipples hardening under her shirt. He cleared his throat and broke his gaze. Her eyes.  
  
 _Oh Maker_.  
  
Her eyes were going to be the death of him. The emeralds refused to meet his stare. Her eyebrows furrowed and her hands began to play with the tips of her wet hair.  
  
“Cul-cullen,” she stuttered. She cleared her throat and continued, “please, as you know I've just returned from the Hinterlands, I'm tired. Could we continue whatever this is another time?” She turned her back to him and sauntered over to the window that overlooked one of the balconies. A third time this night that she has pushed him away. Tension spread through his entire body and he took a rigid step towards her.  
  
“No” he said, almost in a low growl.  
  
“No? Cullen, whatever you need to say can surely wait until morning.” With another refusal, he trudged across the room until he was standing behind her. He was so close that he could smell the soft scent of lavender that had brushed her skin only moments ago. She stood stiff, her back still facing him, but her eyes were glaring at him through the reflection in the glass. He took a moment to look at himself, to see just what she had done to him. The circles under his eyes darkened over the past month, his facial hair had allowed to grow out more than usual, but the biggest change was how clouded his golden eyes were with desire, anger, and pain. He brought his hand to grip her arm and her skin twitched from the contact.  
  
“ _I cannot wait any longer_.”  
  
  
Cullen's grip on her shoulder strengthened as he spun her around to face him, eliciting a gasp from her. His eyes stared at her pink, plump lips and within a second, crushed his own against them. The touch was brief, he thought he even heard a quiet moan escape from her before she pushed him away.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing Cullen?” her voice louder, but shaky. But shoving and shouting wouldn't stop him from getting what he wanted. He pushed her back against the cold glass window, using his size to trap her. Her arms slid between their bodies and thrashed against his chest. A low chuckle came from his lips and his hands seized her wrists and pinned them behind her back. Before she could make an attack with her legs, he pushed them apart and pressed his hips to hers. He bowed his head to her ear; his tongue touched the lobe of her ear. A small smile game to his face as her breathing became heavier, her breasts constrained against his chest with every inhale. His tongue traced the outside of her ear and when he reached the tip, he closed his lips around it. He sucked and nipped until she was no longer thrashing from anger, but from passion. He released her ear from his grasp and breathed heavily against it.  
  
“I'm getting what I want” he groaned as he rolled his hips, thrusting his erection against her thigh. His lips dragged down to her throat and sank his teeth into the tender flesh. A louder moan came from her, but was cut short, as if trying to hide her enjoyment. His grip on her wrists loosened, foolishly. Her arm wriggled from his grasp and dug her nails into neck. Cullen winced in pain and brought his hand to cover his newly acquired wound. A few drops of blood adorned his palm and he wiped them against his pants. His eyes locked on to her. He expected for her to run, but she still stood there, looking at him. Her emerald eyes were dark, darker than he's ever seen them. It was a look of desire.  
  
The corners of his mouth curled and his hands gripped her shoulders. They slid over her chest, his fingertips tracing her collarbones, and grasped her breasts. He could hear whimper caught in her throat as he pinched her tight nipple between his index finger and thumb. His other hand squeezed the breast that was beneath before moving to her inner thigh. She brought her bottom lip between her teeth and Cullen dragged his fingers along her skin until he could feel the heat radiating from her core. He bit back a moan as he briefly touched her clit, instantly coating his tips in her slick.  
  
“You're enjoying this aren't you?” She didn't answer, of course, she's too stubborn to let him win. He drew his hand away and slapped her cunt, causing a loud moan to escape from her. Cullen chuckled in her ear and whispered “Admit it, Valoria. You want me to fuck you,” his other hand continued to squeeze, tug, and pinch at her breast, “just as much as I want to fuck you.” He slapped her cunt again and received the same reaction. His fingers rubbed circles around the sensitive nub and uncontrolled noises of pleasure rose from both of them. Her hips bucked against his hand and that's when he decided to stop. He brought his fingers to his mouth and caught her sweet scent before he licked them clean.  
  
“Now, I don't want you having too much fun, not until you tell me what I want to hear.”  
  
“And what is it that you want me to say, _Commander_?” Her voice was full of desire and it had driven him wild. His hands pulled at the fabric of her shirt until it ripped and her body was revealed to him. Her breasts were small, as were her pale pink nipples. His eyes followed the light freckles that scattered her abdomen and fell to a small patch of dark auburn hair that covered her pussy. He licked his lips and brought them down to her nipple. She gasped and tangled her fingers into his curls as his tongue rolled her bud in his mouth. He teased her breasts with both his mouth and hand. His other hand returned to her heat and he inserted two fingers and pumped at a steady pace. She moaned louder and her fingers pulled at his hair.  
  
“Tell me” he groaned against her flesh. His cock was aching for those words. She still didn't say it. He pulled his mouth and hands away from her and brought his fingers to the laces of his pants. His hands slid in and released his member from the linen. “On your knees, _Inquisitor_.”

His eyebrows quirked when she actually followed his instructions and moan burst from his lips as her tongue pressed against the head of his cock. Her eyes locked onto his as she slid him into her mouth. She gripped onto his thighs and slid further along his shaft. His fingers weaved into her hair and held her head still. Her eyes looked to him in confusion until his hips began to thrust, fucking her mouth. He groaned as he felt her lips squeeze around his length. His cock was dripping with her spit and easily slid to the back of her throat.  
  
 _Oh Maker_.  
  
A fire lit inside of him and he bit down on his lip. He took himself out of her mouth and pulled her back up against the wall.  
  
“ _Say it_.” His eyes bore into hers, both of their chests heaved trying to take in as much air as possible. Still, she said nothing. His jaw clenched and gripped her hips. He flipped her over and pressed her against the cold glass window. Her lower back was pressed against his erection through the cloth of her shirt that hung on her shoulders. He pulled it off, discarded it, and dragged his hands along her back, ending at her ass. He brought a hand to her hair and pulled her head back until his mouth was at her ear. He teased the pointed tip and then pressed his lips against it.  
  
“I've waited long enough.” He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her up until the tip of his cock was alined with her entrance. His hand left her hair, wrapped around his shaft, and parted her lips. Her slick coated the head as he teased her tight hole.  
  
“Oh Creators, Cullen” she moaned. He guided himself inside of her and pressed his forehead against her back.

 **  
**“Oh, you're so fucking tight.” He growled as he sunk deeper into her, slowly, allowing her to stretch to his size. The whimpers and moans coming from her was music to his ears and a smile stretched across his face. When she had reached the hilt, he paused and took deep breaths. He could easily come undone in just a few thrusts, but he wouldn't allow it. He needed to make her scream. His fingers gripped her ass as he pulled out and thrust back in. He set a fast pace after the first couple of thrusts and his lips latched themselves to her neck. He licked and sucked until he was certain there was a mark, showing his conquest. His cock continued to pound into her cunt and she was shaking in his arms.  
  
 _She's so close_. Cullen pumped faster, the sound of skin slapping against skin echoed through the room. Her walls tensed around him, his hand traveled from her ass, across the cool skin of her lower stomach, and brought his fingers to her clit. He circled the nub roughly and within seconds her walls clenched him even tighter.  
  
“Oh fuck, Cullen, Cullen, oh Cullen, _fuck_ ” she screamed as her orgasm took her over. His wasn't far behind. The fire grew wildly inside as his hips began bucking against her. The muscles in his abdomen tightened and he dug his teeth into her shoulder. A moan exploded from his lips and his eyes closed as his seed finally spilled into her. When his orgasm ended, he let out a low groan. He kept still, holding her in his arms, not wanting this moment to be over.  
  
“I lov-” he stopped himself, sighed, and slid out of her. His arm released her waist and her feet fell back to the floor. He glanced over her body as he laced himself back into his pants and her arms curled around her chest. His eyes stared into the glass and saw her emeralds staring back at him and for once he couldn't tell what she was feeling.  
  
“I won't stop until you tell me that you really do have feelings for me. I'll find you, night after night, make you scream my name, until you can finally admit that you love me.” And with that, he tore away from her and rushed out of her quarters before she had a chance to object and before he could second-guess himself. **  
**


	2. Part Two

Cullen stood at the front of the training grounds, trying to oversee the new recruits but, his mind was elsewhere. He bit back a groan as he remembered the events of last night – how she felt beneath him, the noises she made, and how she finally submitted to him. His chest expanded a bit with pride. For the first time, since he could remember anyways, he took control and it felt good.  
  


_Will I be able to do it again?_  
  
His hand rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, causing purple and navy streaks to paint a scene above them.

“Recruits! That will be all for today” he called out and turned to return to his quarters. As soon as he got inside, he slumped down into his desk chair. He had barely gotten any sleep last night. His thoughts were clouded by Valoria and when he finally managed to fall asleep, the nightmares woke him. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could see Valoria's face that reflected in the glass from the night before. He has always been able to tell how she felt through her eyes, even when they first met. A smile crossed his face as he remembered that day. She saved his life.

 

  
_Cullen's eyes opened, immediately squinting against the harsh sunlight. He was surrounded by trees and a small campfire was lit to the side of him. The last thing he remembered was riding his horse towards Haven to join the rest of the Inquisition. He had run into some bandits along the road, but nothing that he could handle, or so he thought. As he was trying to connect events together, his shoulders grew tense and a pit in his stomach began to grow. His body shot up from the ground, only to fall back down with a searing pain along his ribcage._

  
_“Don't move!” said a woman's voice. His hands clutched his sides and he squeezed his eyes shut from the pain. “You were badly injured. Your shitty patch job did more harm than good.” He felt her kneel next to him and her hands try to move his out of the way._  
  
 _“You're a_ mage _” he said as if it were a bad word, eyes still shut._  
  
 _“And you a templar,” she laughed softly, “how about we start with our names?” His eyes opened and peered over at her. She was a tiny Dalish Elf. She wore tattered green robes that complimented her tan, freckled skin and dark red hair. He followed the braided hair up to her small ears and her rosy cheeks. Once his eyes met hers, it felt like his breath was stolen from him. She had large, emerald eyes that were looking him over curiously._  
  
 _“Um – I – well, I – what?” She giggled at his awkwardness, which made him blush._  
  
 _“I'm_ Valoria Lavellan _. And you are?” He sighed, even her name was gorgeous._  
  
 _“I – I'm Cullen,” he paused, “Rutherford,” adding his last name as an afterthought. Her lips spread into a wide smile and her eyebrows raised, causing the branches of her_ vallaslin _to wrinkle a bit. As he took in her appearance, he almost didn't notice the smile that came to his face as well._

  
A knock at his door brought him back to reality. He sighed and hunched over his desk to give the appearance that he was working.  
  
“What?” he growled. The door swung open and a messenger stood in the doorway.  
  
“The Inquisitor is requesting your presence in the War Room, ser” the man said.  
  
“Alright, I'll be there in a moment.” The man left his quarters and Cullen swallowed hard.  
  
 _What if she's angry? Stupid question, of_ course _she's angry. You made her have sex. Just because you were selfish – No. She was the one who teased and let you fall for her under false pretenses. She needed to see what she did to you, she needs to see that she was wrong about her feelings_. And showing her that felt great. Cullen shook his head as he gathered some papers that needed reviewing from his desk and left his quarters towards the council.

**

“So I was planning on taking Dorian, Bull and Sera with me to Crestwood in two days to finish sealing the rifts that linger and while we’re there we may as well gather supplies” Valoria said to the group. Cullen’s eyes peered over in her direction and noticed her eyes were looking in every other place than where he stood. His upper lip snarled

“You can’t be serious. Don’t you think there are more important matters to be dealt with? Such as Corypheus? What about us-” he cleared his throat, “using that mighty throne to judge the captors piling up in the dungeon? Do you really think that gathering spindleweed really acquires your full attention?” When he was finished his rant, he placed his hand on the pummel of his sword, another habit of his. Her head snapped to face him and her jaw clenched, her eyes burning with anger.

 

“These rifts won’t seal themselves, Commander. Or have you forgotten that I have this glowing, freakish, anchor permanently attached to my hand?” she shouted. He tried to swallow the lump that formed in his throat and tension quickly surrounded him. In the corner of his eye, he could see Josephine and Leliana slowly inching towards the door and across from him, Morrigan rolled her eyes and sauntered out of the room. But Valoria hardly noticed any of this movement, for her gaze was locked onto Cullen.

“Perhaps we should give you both a moment to discuss this privately” Josephine said and they both hurried from the room, the door slamming behind them.

“What is your fucking problem?” She placed her hands on the war table and leaned in closer to him. He mimicked her actions and started straight into her eyes. Even when she was angry, they made his knees a little weaker. But underneath that rage, he could tell that there was a touch of sadness.

“You’re avoiding me. Are you going to be gone another month? Maybe two? How long are you going to deny that you really have feelings for me?” he said, frustration making itself known.

“How ever long it takes for you to stop being delusional an-”

“What about last night? Hm? You didn’t stop me. You’re a mage, Valoria. You could have set me on fire at any point. I didn’t silence you, I never would. Please jus-just tell me how you really feel. I want to know why you decided to break things off like that.”

 

“I told you that I think we should be friends.” Her eyes started to waver in their harshness. Cullen shook his head.

“I don’t believe you” he said. His hand reached for the back of her head and his lips pressed against hers. His tongue brushed against her skin and pushed its way into her mouth. She tasted of berries. A second later she broke the kiss and stared into his eyes. The gold reflected in her sea of green. At that moment, he could see the anger drain from her body and desire begin to filter through. She pulled herself onto the war table, knocking markers from their place, his arms wrapped around her waist and dragged her closer to him. Even though she kneeled on the table, she was only about a heads length taller than him. His heart stopped as her hands came to caress his face, a finger tracing the scar on his lip. Her lips we parted as if she were going to say something.

“ _Please_ ” he whispered. Her eyebrows furrowed and her fingers slid into his hair. She tugged him closer and her lips crashed into his. His grip around her tightened and their tongues quickly found each other again. There was a sense of urgency that the previous night didn’t have. Like they were almost desperate to feel one another. Her hands slipped to the buckles of his armor, but were fumbling from the inexperience of removing them. His hands replaced hers, lips never breaking contact, and within moments he was down to his linen shirt, breeches, and boots. When his hands returned to her, he was greeted with the naked skin of her stomach and breasts. His fingers skimmed over her stomach, tickling her belly button, before reaching her breasts, squeezing lightly and pinching her nipples. When his lips left hers to trail kisses down to her small peaks, a moan escaped from her and echoed against the stone walls.

_Josephine’s sure to hear that...oh well._ He licked and sucked her nipples for only a few seconds each before he noticed his cock was already fully hard and pressed against the table.

“Lay back” he groaned against her skin. She slowly slid away from him, move more markers, and laid her back against the table. He bit his bottom lip as he admired the sight before him. His cock throbbed again, reminding him that it wanted to be buried inside her. He hurriedly pulled off their remaining clothing and parted her legs wide enough so he could climb in between. He leaned over her, his hand gripped the top of the table and his other hand brushed rebel strands of hair out of her face.

“Please say it” he said again. Her breath hitched as the tip of his member brushed against her core.

“Cullen..I…” she paused, both of their eyes searched each other, “ _fuck me_.” He felt a slight drop in his stomach. She knew that’s not what he wanted - what he needed. He buried his face into the hollow of her neck as his hand slid from her face down to her thigh. His hips moved to push the head of his cock inside her, causing moans to be released in unison. Her slick coated him generously and the cold air in the room prickled at the wetness as he removed himself from her entrance. He clenched her thigh as his hips rocked forward to rub his length against her clit.

“Don’t tease me, _Commander_ ” she moaned. Cullen chuckled softly.

“As you wish, _Inquisitor_ ” he whispered into her ear, his tongue tracing the outside. When his tongue reached the pointed tip, he thrusted himself completely into her heat. A louder moan, accompanied by nails scratching down his back, emerged from her. She wrapped her legs loosely around his hips as he began a fast and hard pace. He bit at the flesh of her neck as he already felt a tingling sensation gathering in his stomach. His arms pushed him up from his leaning position, his cock sliding out of her warmth.

“What are yo-”

“Shut up.” He pulled her legs to lay flat against his chest, ankles falling to rest against his shoulders. His arm wrapped around her thighs securely while his free hand guided his slick member back inside of her. He let his head fall back and he moaned in time with Valoria at the new sensation. He pumped in and out of her at a brutal pace, the sounds of their fucking bouncing off the stone walls and metal markers clanging to the floor. His hand reached around to cup her ass and his head fell forward to look at her. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was practically mutilating her bottom lip with her teeth. He could feel her clenching around his cock and he picked up his pace, determined to make her scream his name again. Her legs began to shake and her steady stream of moans grew louder with every thrust.

“Oh Cullen! I’m going to - _Oh Creators, Cullen_!” She screamed. She squeezed him so hard as she rode out her orgasm that it almost hurt. He leaned over her, her legs stretching against his chest, and he continued his pace, chasing after his own ending. He grunted and groaned as a tightness in his stomach appeared and he started to become light-headed. His hips jerked out of his pattern as his seed began to drip out. He was determined to get one more thrust, so he slowly pulled out of her, his teeth dug at her ankle, and he pushed back in as deep as he could. As his orgasm took control, he moaned so loudly that his teeth vibrated against her leg.

“ _Oh Maker_ ” he cried out. He pushed her legs to his sides and collapsed on top of her. He breathed heavily against her and shut his eyes.

“Valoria, I..” he panted.

“Please. Don’t,” she murmured. He sighed and slowly pulled himself from her embrace. He clambered down from the table and began to put his clothes on.

“I don’t think that I...am asking for much. Just an explanation as to why you think you feel the way you do. I was blindsided and...an…” he paused before putting on his shirt and noticed that she wasn’t looking at him, “you know what? Nevermind. I...I can’t do this right now.” He finished putting on his armor in silence, stretched his neck as he felt a migraine settling in, and walked towards the door. He looked over his shoulder before pushing it open and Valoria had her hands covering her face. If he listened close enough, he could hear her crying softly. Guilt wrung through his body, all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms until the sorrow was swept away. But he couldn’t. It would only make matters worse. So instead, against his better judgement, he pushed the door open and trudged back to his quarters.

 


	3. Part 3

Cullen spent the next day either buried in paperwork or overseeing the recruits, anything to keep his mind off of Valoria, the pounding in his head and the ache in his body. At the end of the day, he told his messengers that he was not to be disturbed and hobbled back to his quarters somehow mustering the energy to climb up the ladder leading to his bedroom. He sat on the edge of his bed and groaned.

_Why can’t armor be comfortable to sleep in?_

He slowly removed his cloak, his vambraces, pauldrons, and breastplate. The metal clunked against the floor as he carelessly dropped them. He removed his boots and socks next, then his belt, and finally peeled off his pants. He fell back against the bed and groaned. The mattress felt softer than ever before against his aching body. His hand ran through his hair and a finger caught a small curl. He winced as he tugged it accidentally and worsening the pain of his headache.

There was a tingle in the back of his throat, a cold sweat formed on his brow, and his breath ragged. He knew that the little box was hidden under his bed. The tools and vials laid in smooth velvet, singing to him, luring him in. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the call, fighting against the chains bringing him down. His head throbbed, his neck stiffened can the song only grew louder. He turned to his side, shoved his arm under the pillow while the other reached for the tool kit. The wood was smooth in his hand and he placed it on the bed in front of him. His fingers trembled at the clasps as they clicked open.

The figurine, like an old friend, greeted him as he opened the box. He traced over the grinder, the wooden spoon, and the other tools as if to get reacquainted. His tongue swept across his lips. He could almost taste the lyrium. It was when he plucked the vial out of its case that he heard his office door creak open and then closed.

“Go away! I said I was not to be disturbed!” he shouted at the intruder.

“Cullen?” It was her, the one person he didn’t want to see at this moment, “Can I come up?”

“Fine,” he grumbled, placing the lyrium back in its place and hiding it away again. Her steps grew louder as she came closer, then came to a stop when she reached the top. “I assume you’re here to tell me that you don’t love me? How you can never be with someone like me?” he asked, his back still facing her.

“Cull-”

“How I shouldn’t love you?” he growled, climbing off the bed and coming to face her. His mind was too full of desire for lyrium and for her that he couldn’t think straight, his eyes glaring down at her. She wore a low cut, nearly see-through white dress, the hem ending just above her knee. He grabbed her shoulders, pulling her closer where their lips were barely an inch away from each other. “Don’t you know that it’s far too late for that?” His lips crashed to hers in a frenzy, hands sliding down her body, hands gripping her thighs and wrapping them around his waist. His teeth bit her bottom lip, his tongue gliding along the skin, as if to soothe the pain he caused. She moaned into his mouth, her fingers curling into his hair as he brought her to his bed. They fell onto the bed, Cullen moving his hands from her thighs, one coming to support his weight and the other to push the hem of her dress further up her body. Her hands slid from his hair, down his back, her nails trailing red marks down to his small clothes, her thumbs hooking into the waistband.

He rolled his hips, his length, growing harder, pressing against her heat. His lips broke from hers, pressing kisses against her neck as his fingers began rubbing tight circles against her clothed clit. Her moan rung in his ear, drowning out the lyrium song, and his fingers moved faster, her slick soaking through the cloth.

“Cullen, please…” she begged through her moans, her hands tearing at his small clothes. He chuckled against her pulse point before pulling away from her completely. His hands tugged his small clothes, his cock jumping out, and coming to straddle one of her legs. He gripped the thigh of the other leg, wrapping it around his torso, her hips tipping to the side.

His fingers pushed the cloth that hid her sex to the side and thrust deeply into her. A moan rumbled in his throat as his tip hit the deepest point, her slick spreading onto his pelvis as he rocked into her to attempt to be even further inside. His hand slid down her thigh to grip her ass. He slowly inched out of her, only to push back in, hard enough for Valoria to whimper. His pace became faster and harder, skin slapped against skin, moans entwining with each other. Her hands grasped her breasts, her nipples poking out from under the fabric of her dress, and her fingers twisted at her tight peaks. He bit his lip as heat bubbled in his lower stomach. He knew he was close.

His fingers came to rub her clit, applying pressure to the hard bud the rolled underneath his tips. Her moans grew louder, she screamed his name over and over as her inner walls clenched around his member. With a few more twirls around her core, her orgasm hit her like a wave. Her legs locked around him, her heel digging into his side, causing him to lean over her body. His hips continued his brutal thrusts as her cum coated his length and pelvis twitching with every touch. Tingles shot down his spine and heat coursed through him. He grunted as his pattern is broken with jerky movements as his release inched closer. His mouth formed into a circle as he gave one last thrust, his cock driving deep into her before his orgasm ripped through his body. He moaned as his seed seeped inside and when the last drop was released, he collapsed onto her body. Their chests heaved against each other, the panting of their breath blowing on their skin.

“You’re right, it is too late for that,” she sighed as she caught her breath. Cullen’s eyebrows furrowed at the sound of these words.

_This can’t be right...she...she ended us...she…_

He pulled away from her embrace quickly, pulling his clothes on, his eyes glaring at her limp form on the bed. “Leave. Now.” She leaned up on her elbows, confused.

“What? Cullen, I’m trying to tel-”

“Valoria broke things...she....she wouldn’t just come back. This isn’t real, none of it. She wouldn’t...you... _demon_ ,” he growled through gritted teeth. His mind was a blur, a mess of what seemed real and what seemed to be an illusion. Blue liquid swirled in his eyes, lyrium clouding his judgement.

“This is re-”

“You will not fool me! Leave!” he yelled. He watched her stand, her step away from him muttering something that the song drowned out, and crawl down the ladder. The muscles in his legs gave out and he fell to his hands and knees. His eyes clenched shut as his forehead pressed against the floorboards.

“ _I will endure this_ ,” he chanted, over and over until the song muted and his vision cleared. He gazed around his room, confused at how he ended up on the floor. As he climbed into his bed, he caught the scent of peaches mixed in with sex and his eyes widened in realization.

_It was real._

 


	4. Part Four

Cullen woke early in the morning, exhausted from the nightmares that kept interrupting his slumber, and his eyes widened when he realized what day it was.  _Valoria is leaving for Crestwood today…leaving me again_ , he thought. He threw back the covers and dressed hastily. His feet carried his as fast as they could down the battlements, curious bystanders stared at him as he raced by to get to her quarters. When he ran through the great hall, the heavy noise of his boots echoed and almost drowned out the noise of the gossiping nobles that lingered there. He pushed through the doors that led to her quarters. **  
**

“Valoria!” he called out as he climbed the stairs, but when he reached the top she wasn’t there. He almost turned back, thinking of checking the kitchen or perhaps the gardens, but he saw a note lying on the neatly made bed. He walked over and saw his name written hastily on the folded paper. A sigh escaped his lips as he flipped it open.

 

_Cullen,_

_If you’re reading this, then you’ll notice that I’ve left Skyhold. After last night….I don’t know what to say. But, I need to speak with you. When you’re ready and think back to our past, you’ll know where to find me._

_Valoria_

 

He folded the letter back up and slumped onto the bed. His hands cradled his head as tears welled in his eyes. She left him.  _Again_. The memory of last night flooded his mind. She had come to him and… _I fucked everything up_ , he thought. He tapped his heel against the wooden floor, his knee jiggling, and sighed as he tried to push back thoughts of last night.

“Our past…and I’ll know where to find her,” he murmured to himself. He pushed himself from the bed and paced her room, thinking to himself. His mind played over the memories of their relationship, where they’ve been. It wasn’t until he walked past her desk, a map of Thedas and saw two small lakes just north of Skyhold, no more than two days by horseback. His mind raced back to where they first met. They were somewhere off the Imperial Highway and he had been jumped by bandits, none made it out with their lives, but one of them managed to slash at his ribcage, leaving a nasty wound that he carelessly patched up afterwards. As he continued riding, the loss of blood and his sleepless nights from the recent lyrium withdrawals caused him to fall asleep on his horse. When he woke he was lying near a campfire outside a hut, which seemed to be abandoned. Trees surrounded the area but about fifty feet ahead was a small lake, the water glistening in the sun.  _That has to be it_ , he thought.

He rolled up the map and ran back to his quarters, quickly packing necessary items and dressing in his armor. Once packed, he made his way towards the stables. As he walked through the courtyard, he barely heard his name being called out and only turned when a hand tugged at his arm.

“The Inquisitor is gone,” Leliana said. Her eyebrows raised as she took notice of the packs and weapons he was carrying.

“Yes,” he grunted and started walking towards the stables again. She came up beside him, a small smile on her face.

“And you know where she is?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re going to her?” she asked, her voice nearly playful.

“Yes,” he said once more before securing everything on a horse Dennett provided and sat upon the saddle.

“Be careful Commander…I hear there are  _bandits_  on the road,” she laughed. He groaned and looked down at her.

“Did she tell you about how we first met?” he asked, his cheeks tinging with a light pink. She nodded, her smile growing wider.

“Of course, what other gossip would we discuss over tea?” She brushed her short hair behind her ears, her expression growing more serious. “She really does care for you. She hasn’t admitted it, but I can tell by the way she looks at you. I’ve seen it before. I can’t be sure about what has happened between the two of you…but,” she paused, her hand coming to pet the chestnut mare. “Get her back. You’re both deserving of love.”

“She…um…I…thank you, Leliana. Just…thank you,” he stuttered, his mind hardly focused on the words coming out of his mouth. He could only think of Valoria, her eyes, her smile, her scent, just everything about her plagued him. “If we have not returned within a week’s time…well, you know what to do.” And with that, he cantered through the gate of Skyhold and out into the wilderness.

___

He couldn’t sleep. Not only was he not used to sleeping on a bedroll, but his nightmares kept him awake. Staring up into the night sky was more peaceful that sleep and the metal sword resting against his side brought a strange comfort. The noises of leaves whistling in the wind, the horse’s tail whipping back and forth, and the heaviness of his breathing as he was coming down from his nightmare.

_What am I going to say to her_? he thought. He pushed himself from his bedroll and dug through his pack, pulling out a small piece of bread. His fingers broke pieces off, popping them into his mouth and he tried to think of ways to not sound like a bumbling idiot.

“Valoria….I have no right to believe that you would even consider accepting my apology…but I lo - No, you can’t just lead from that into professing your feelings. Explain yourself…explain what is wrong with you,” he paused, his shoulders slumping. “That would turn into an even longer conversation,” he sighed. Once he finished with his bread, he flopped back to the ground. His eyes admired the spattering of stars and the bright moon that shined above him and he wondered if she was looking up at them too. His heart leapt as he felt the closeness of her he so desired but ached at the true distance between them. How can he find the words that needed to be said? How would she react once his soul is laid bare? Is forgiveness viable? Is love even a possibility anymore?

______

Dawn came sooner than Cullen anticipated. His body was sore, his eyes tired, and his soul weakening. He pulled out his waterskin and chugged the warm liquid then sealing it up again. As he stood from the ground, his bones cracked and he yawned, stretching his arms above his head. He packed his bedroll and dressed in his armor once more. It felt heavier, his body barely able to handle the extra weight. Once we was ready to set off, he mounted the horse and pushed forward, the horse galloping further down the path they were on.

The sun had beat down on them all day and by late afternoon the heat soaked into his dark feathered cloak and turned the metal of his armor hot. They’ve slowed their pace to a trot against the dirt road. He knew he was close to where she was. Not only could he tell by the familiar bends in the path or by the large rock that had been carved into by who knows who, but by this invisible rope that seemed to be tugging him towards her and the slack that had once been loose, what tightening. He had no physical strength left, he knew that he should stop and try to rest for a moment, but he was determined to keep going, to keep pushing just so he can see her again. His eyes fluttered, closing but lazily pulling open again. The repetitive noise of hooves pounding to the ground, the blazing heat and lack of rest had him falling asleep and as much as he tried to fight it, he couldn’t.

Then his world turned black.

________

He groaned as he came back to consciousness. The first thing he felt was a soft mattress and pillow beneath him. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes peeked open. Dark wooden walls and ceiling surrounded him, light of a candle burning shining in the corner of his vision. His eyes widened as he realized where he was, his head turning to search for Valoria. She sat in a chair that was in the corner to the right of him and he sighed happily and drowsily when he laid eyes on her. She wore her hair out of her braid, the red stands slightly wavy from the usual style, her skin glowed against the candlelight and reflected in her emerald eyes.

“Well this seems familiar,” she quipped, breaking the silence. He chuckled in response and his arm reached out, his hand lying open. “You found me.” Her hand raised, hovering over his.

“I always will,” he murmured. There was a moment of silence between them and he stares at their hands, wondering, hoping that she’ll place hers in his. Her fingertips grazed his palm as she slowly slid her hand into his and his fingers curled around her.

“Cullen, I-”

“Wait, can…can I start?” he asked as she came closer, sitting on the edge of the bed. She nodded once. “Valoria…I can’t begin to describe the guilt I’ve felt these past days. I…I don’t expect for you to forgive me…the way I’ve treated you…it…it was  _dishonorable_ and,” he paused, his voice weak and quiet. “Please know how sorry I am. Ever since the Circle fell, I’ve been…broken, an empty shell haunted by visions of horror, but since you’ve come…since I have..had the chance to….Maker’s breath, I don’t deserve you, I know. But I n-”

“Don’t deserve me?” she asked, her soft voice overlapping his. “Is that what you truly think?” His eyes shifted away from her gaze, tears welling. “Cullen, I’m the one who pushed you to this point. I know how stress worsens your symptoms and yet I did nothing to stop my actions. And for my own selfish reasons, too.” She grew quiet, her mouth opening and closing again as she tried to find the words to say. His thumb slid over the soft skin of her hand.

“Why did you tell me that we should be friends?” he whispered.

“I’ve never told you about my past, the pain that lingers there still haunts me,” she sighed. “When I was still with my clan, I was studying magic under my Keeper. We had very few mages in the clan so she took me under her wing. She taught me the basics of healing and the elements, but I really took to fire. One day, I was walking through the forest and saw man, human, and he was lost. He didn’t appear to be armed and had a small wagon of goods, so I approached him. I found out he was trying to get to the nearest town and that he had lost his way, so I led him through the forest. The strange part was that he attempted to carry on a conversation with me, though it was terrible small talk at first. When we neared the end of the wood, I didn’t want to say goodbye, something about him had intrigued me. The next week, I saw him again and we walked through the forest again.

This continued for months and we gradually fell for each other. I was scared and elated all at once. A week later, we were spotted by one of the hunters of the clan. I was honestly surprised that it didn’t happen sooner, I was reckless for falling in love with a human. But when I returned, Keeper dragged me out of sight, away from the clan. She told me I was a fool, that I should know better than to love a shemlen. I felt as if I should have apologized, begged for mercy, for forgiveness, but I didn’t. I loved him. She exiled me from the clan. I left and I went to him and he took me with open arms. At first, we were happy. But the people around in the small village we lived in took notice of our relationship. He was fired from his merchant job, they told him that “no knife-ear lover” would be working for them. There was no work for him there, so he had to travel for work and I was isolated. I stayed inside, afraid of what would happen if I stepped foot outside the door. That wintersend, a terrible sickness swept through the village. That’s when everyone came looking for me, and I tried to heal as many as I could. Some I couldn’t save. Shortly after it all started, he fell ill,” she paused, tears running down her cheeks, “no matter what I tried it wouldn’t work, he grew sicker and sicker until one morning…he…he was… _gone_. I couldn’t save him.” Tears fell freely from her eyes as she sobbed. Cullen sat up, his heart aching for her and he tentatively wrapped his arms around her, enclosing her in his embrace.

“I was helpless,” she cried. “He was the first man I’ve ever loved, I gave him my entire being and then he was just…ripped away from me.” Her hands gripped his shoulders tight, her nails digging into his cloth shirt. “Can’t you see why I shouldn’t love you as much as I do? Can’t you see the pain that love brings? I can’t lose you. I can’t see you die.  _I just can’t_.”

“You won’t lose me,” he murmured, trying to bring her comfort. He rocked back and forth as they held each other, his hands rubbing small circles on her back.

“You don’t know that!” she said, nearly shouting at him. He pressed his lips to her forehead.

“Of course I do, no matter what happens to either of us, I’m going to be with you, just as you are with me. And just as that man is with you to this day. Yes, the pain is there on the surface, clouding over everything. But once you break through, you’ll see the memories you shared and those will never fade.

I know this might sound…ridiculous…but you’ve changed my life, Valoria. In every imaginable way. Not only did I not expect to find you, but I believed that I was undeserving of having anyone’s admiration. I didn’t feel like a person. But then…you found me. You brought so much light into my life and I know that no matter what happens, whether we’ll be together….or not, I’ll always carry that with me because… _Maker_ , because I’m in love with you,” he said, his words soft but his confidence grew as he held her closer, their hearts beating next to each other. She sat back from his embrace and her green teared eyes looked into his.

“You love me? After everything I’ve done?” she asked in disbelief. He simply nodded. Her lips crashed to his, her fingers snaking into his hair to press him closer to her. He groaned as she moved to straddle his lap, his arms tightening even more around her lithe form.

“I love you, too, Cullen,” she whispered. His lips formed a smile, a warmth radiating through his body as he finally heard the words he’s been longing for. Their lips met again in a impassioned frenzy. Tears mixed with tears as they moved closer together.

Fingers swept under shirts, unlaced trousers, tugged at needless clothing until they both laid bare. Cullen’s eyes raked over her body, as if he was seeing it for the first time. Her arousal rubbed against his hardened length, coating it with her slick. Moans intertwined at the feeling of their hips rocking together in time. His hands slid up her body, cupping her breasts and his mouth took a nipple into his mouth, his tongue slowly licking circles around the small bud.

“Please,” she whimpered, her hips raising enough for the tip of his member to rest at her entrance. His hands moved to her waist and brought her down, inch by inch, until he was completely inside her. Her forehead pressed against his, their eyes locked as she rolls her hips, keeping him buried deep inside. Hands glided across backs, lighting trails of fire where they went, lips pressing against necks and jaws, tongues sliding along sweat glistened skin. He began to thrust himself into her meeting her every movement, touching the most sensitive parts.

“ _Ma Vhenan_ ” she moaned. He paused for a moment a looked to her.

“What does it mean?” he asked softly. Her hand cradled his face and she smiled, panting as she continued the work of her hips.

“I’m calling you ‘my heart’” she said, her voice sweet as if dripping with honey. His face stretched into a smile and he thrust into her.

“Say it again,” he groaned, his fingers digging into her flesh as he burrowed in her further.

“Ma Vhenan,” she said, moaning louder. His hips jerked against hers, he could feel her inner walls begin to constrict around him as tingles shot to his groin.

“Again,” he said, his words muffled as he laid kisses to her breasts. Her nails dug into his shoulders and she ground herself against him, taking him even deeper.

“ _Ma Vhenan_!” she screamed, her orgasm ripping through her body abruptly. He wasn’t far behind her. His hips jerked out of his pace and heat boiled in his stomach. Her fingers pulled onto his curls, sweat pooling at the base of his hair. His hands lifted her hips, only the head left inside and with one last thrust he brought her hips to meet his and held her tightly as his orgasm took over. His moans, as loud as roars, filled the room as his seed dripped inside of her. With the last drop spent, he collapsed back to the bed, her body coming to cover his. She kissed his lips lightly and smiled.

“Can we please stay like this forever?” she asked, her words slowing as she’s drifting off to sleep. He chuckles, his hands coming to brush over her hair.

“I like the sound of that plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! :) Thank you all for the kudos, comments and bookmarks!


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